How often do you find yourself making decisions that feel like a good idea at the time without any thought as to how they could impact you in a week, month, year, or decade?
The truth is, the decisions you make today become the life you live tomorrow (and for years to come).
This doesn’t mean you need to constantly weigh the pros and cons of every little decision; or become paralyzed by the thought that each decision could make or break your life.
Rather, I want you to consider that you may be making decisions based on what you think you should do, or what feels like a good idea in the moment, rather than what truly matters to you.
Making choices – especially big moment decisions – becomes easier when you follow a simple rule: focus on your values. Why? Because focusing on your values – what matters to you the most – can help you lead a more fulfilling life.
In fact, a common exercise I have clients perform when we first start working together is values exploration. When we know what my clients truly want, we know what kinds of goals we can focus on in therapy (and in their life in general).
It’s key to remember that values aren’t goals. They aren’t what you want to achieve or have. They’re the reason you have goals in the first place. They’re like your north star; guiding you in the direction you want to go. Motivating you to keep going. Helping you get back on track when you find yourself wandering down a path you know isn’t meant for you.
Why Values Matter
When we live in alignment with our core values, we experience greater satisfaction and purpose. Decisions become clearer. Conflicts – both internal and external – become easier to navigate. Rather than being pulled in different directions by competing priorities, we can orient ourselves toward what truly matters.
But how do you identify your values if you’ve never really thought about them before? I have an exercise that can help.
Uncovering Your Core Values
Now that you know why knowing your values is key, let’s figure out your unique values.
Give yourself 15-20 minutes. Grab a pen and paper or open a notes app on your phone.
Step one is to simply consider common values and whether they resonate with you. Take a peek at this list and write down any values that you feel a sense of connection to:
- Acceptance: Being open to and accepting of yourself, others, and life
- Adventure: Actively seeking, creating, or exploring novel or stimulating experiences
- Assertiveness: Respectfully standing up for your rights and requesting what you want
- Authenticity: Being genuine, real, and true to yourself
- Beauty: Appreciating, creating, or cultivating beauty in yourself, others, and the environment
- Caring: Being attentive to the needs of yourself, others, and the environment
- Challenge: Continuously pushing yourself to grow, learn, and improve
- Compassion: Acting with non-judgmental kindness toward yourself and others
- Connection: Engaging fully in what you’re doing and being present with others
- Contribution: Helping, assisting, or making a positive difference for yourself or others
- Conformity: Being respectful of rules and obligations
- Cooperation: Being collaborative and working well with others
- Courage: Being brave and persisting in the face of fear, threat, or difficulty
- Creativity: Being innovative and expressing yourself in original ways
- Curiosity: Being open-minded, interested, and exploring the world around you
- Encouragement: Supporting and rewarding behaviours you value in yourself and others
- Equality: Treating others as equal to yourself and vice versa
- Excitement: Seeking and engaging in activities that are stimulating or thrilling
- Fairness: Being equitable in your treatment of yourself and others
- Fitness: Maintaining your physical and mental health and wellbeing
- Flexibility: Adapting readily to changing circumstances
- Freedom: Living according to your own choices and helping others do the same
- Friendliness: Being companionable and agreeable toward others
- Forgiveness: Being forgiving toward yourself and others
- Fun: Being playful and engaging in enjoyable activities
- Generosity: Being giving and sharing with yourself and others
- Gratitude: Appreciating the positive aspects of yourself, others, and life
- Honesty: Being truthful and sincere with yourself and others
- Humour: Seeing and appreciating the lighter side of life
- Humility: Being modest about your achievements
- Industry: Being hard-working, dedicated, and diligent
- Independence: Being self-supporting and choosing your own way
- Intimacy: Opening up and sharing yourself emotionally or physically in close relationships
- Justice: Upholding fairness and what is morally right
- Kindness: Being considerate, nurturing, and caring toward yourself and others
- Love: Acting with affection toward yourself and others
- Mindfulness: Being aware of and present with your here-and-now experience
- Order: Being organized and structured in your approach to life
- Open-mindedness: Considering different perspectives and weighing evidence fairly
- Patience: Waiting calmly for what you want
- Persistence: Moving forward despite problems or difficulties
- Respect: Being considerate and showing positive regard for yourself and others
- Responsibility: Being accountable for your actions and their consequences
- Self-awareness: Being attuned to your thoughts, feelings, and actions
- Self-care: Looking after your health, wellbeing, and meeting your needs
- Self-development: Continuously growing in knowledge, skills, and character
- Self-control: Acting in accordance with your own ideals and principles
- Spirituality: Connecting with something larger than yourself
- Supportiveness: Being helpful, encouraging, and available to yourself and others
- Trust: Being loyal, faithful, sincere, and reliable in your relationships
- Add any other words that feel important to you ….
Identify Your Top Values
The next step is to narrow down that larger list of values in to a list of your top five values.
Use these questions as your guide:
- What moments in your life have felt most fulfilling or meaningful? Consider what values were present in those moments.
- If you had only one year to live, how would you want to spend your time? This isn’t about bucket list achievements, but rather how you’d want to act, who you’d want to be, the way you’d want to interact with the world.
- Think about someone you deeply admire. What qualities do they have that you appreciate? Often our role models and heroes reflect what we most value.
- When do you feel most like yourself? What values are you expressing in those moments?
- What makes you feel angry, frustrated, or resentful? These emotions often signal when a core value is being violated – indicating that it is important to you.
After reflecting on these questions, review your values list again. Put a letter beside each value you wrote down indicating whether it is:
- V = Very important
- Q = Quite important
- N = Not so important
If you have more than five values labelled as “very important”, narrow it down to just five. This may feel challenging, and you may sense some resistance to whittling your list down, but keep in mind that we’re focusing on what you truly value. Not what you think you should value.
Follow your gut, come back to those five questions as often as you need to, and pick the words that feel like the biggest priority for you.
Got your five? These are your core values: what matters to you most in the world.
Living Your Values
Remember, there are no “right” or “wrong” values. Just as we have different tastes in food or music, we have different values that guide us. What matters is recognizing your authentic values and finding ways to express them in your daily life.
When facing decisions, ask yourself: “Which choice best aligns with my core values?”
This simple question can provide clarity when you’re feeling stuck or uncertain. It can also help you feel empowered to make a choice that feels genuine for you; not the choice you feel you should make based on someone else’s idea of what’s important.
Living according to your values doesn’t mean you’ll always succeed or never face challenges. It means you’re striving to be the person you want to be, even when it’s difficult. And in that striving is where you’ll find your most authentic and fulfilling life.
What are your top five values? How might your life change if you made decisions more consciously aligned with these values?
You don’t need to be perfect, but the more often you make choices based on your values, the more fulfilling your life can be.
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