AuDHD Psychologist

When Your Partner Says “You Never Listen” (But You Swear You Do)

Episode 30: When Your Partner Says ”You Never Listen” (But You Swear You Do)

Listen on: Apple Podcasts · Spotify · YouTube · or wherever you get your podcasts

Your partner’s telling you about their awful day. A coworker took credit for their work again. And they’re really upset.

And you’re listening. You are. You’re folding laundry and nodding and saying “Ugh, seriously?” at exactly the right moment.

Then they say the word “presentation.”

Oh! The slides. Did I send that email? I didn’t send that email. And isn’t tomorrow garbage day? Or is it recycling?

Then there’s silence. You look up. “So what do you think I should do?”

And you’ve got… nothing.

“I literally just said I already did that. You never listen to me.”

If that one stings, here’s what you need to remember:

You were listening. Your brain just listens in a different way. And your partner feeling unheard is real too.

[Read more…] about When Your Partner Says “You Never Listen” (But You Swear You Do)

Why “Meeting in the Middle” Never Feels Fair to You (And What to Do Instead)

Episode 29: Why ”Meeting in the Middle” Never Feels Fair to You (And What to Do Instead)

Listen on: Apple Podcasts · Spotify · YouTube · or wherever you get your podcasts

It’s Sunday afternoon and you’re staring into the fridge, trying to figure out dinner.

The TV’s blaring in the living room. The dishwasher’s running. The lights feel like they’re squealing at you. You’ve already popped your earbuds in and told yourself it’s fine.

You’ve got this. It’ll be okay.

But your jaw’s clenched and your shoulders are up by your ears. So you finally ask, as calmly as you can, “Hey, can you turn the TV down?”

And your partner says, “Yeah, okay. I guess I can turn it down a little.”

They turn it down a little. It should feel fair. They met you halfway.

Twenty minutes later, you snap at them about the cutting board.

If that’s you, here’s the thing I want you to remember:

You’re not difficult for needing what you need. Half of a need is just still not enough.

[Read more…] about Why “Meeting in the Middle” Never Feels Fair to You (And What to Do Instead)

How to Stop Having The Same Fight on Repeat (And Why “Just Apologize” Doesn’t Work)

Episode 28: How to Stop Having The Same Fight on Repeat (And Why ”Just Apologize” Doesn't Work)

Listen on: Apple Podcasts · Spotify · YouTube · or wherever you get your podcasts

It’s late. Really late. And you’re forty-five minutes into a fight about the holidays.

Your face is hot. Your chest is buzzing. Your words are gone. And your partner keeps asking, “Why won’t you just talk to me?”

So you say the thing that always makes it stop.

“I’m sorry, okay? Let’s just drop it.”

They hug you. The lights go out. And you lie there in the dark, wide awake. Because you know there was more. You just couldn’t figure out how to get it out.

A few days later, the whole thing explodes all over again. Bigger this time. And your partner looks at you, totally confused. “I thought we already sorted this out.”

We didn’t sort it out. We just got through it.

Sound familiar?

If so, let’s talk about repair advice that’s actually built for your brain.

[Read more…] about How to Stop Having The Same Fight on Repeat (And Why “Just Apologize” Doesn’t Work)

Do I Still Love My Partner, or Am I Just Burnt Out?

Episode 27: Do I Still Love My Partner, or Am I Just Burnt Out?

Listen on: Apple Podcasts · Spotify · YouTube · or wherever you get your podcasts

You used to be the fun one.

You planned the date nights. You found the new restaurant before anyone else knew about it. You remembered their mom’s birthday and wrote something sweet in the card.

And now?

Now you get home and sit in the car in the driveway for a while. Ten minutes. Sometimes twenty. Engine off. Phone in your lap, not even scrolling.

When you finally go inside, your partner says, “Hey! How was your day?” You say “Fine,” and walk straight past them to the bedroom. Dinner’s cereal. Again. Their hand on your knee feels like too much. You go to bed at 8:30 and lie there, too exhausted to sleep.

And last night they finally said it. “I feel like I don’t know what’s going on with you anymore. You’ve changed.”

You didn’t have an answer. Because you don’t know what’s going on either. You just know you’ve got nothing left. And underneath it all is the thought you haven’t said out loud yet: Maybe I don’t love them anymore.

This might not be a love problem at all. It might be a capacity problem. You might be burnt out, running on empty for so long that your body finally called it quits. And capacity can come back.

[Read more…] about Do I Still Love My Partner, or Am I Just Burnt Out?

Am I Anxiously Attached, or Is It My ADHD? What Attachment Styles Miss About Neurodivergent Brains

Episode 26: Am I Anxiously Attached, or Is It My ADHD? What Attachment Styles Miss About Neurodivergent Brains

Listen on: Apple Podcasts · Spotify · YouTube · or wherever you get your podcasts

It’s 10:47pm on a Friday night.

Your partner’s out with their friends. You texted them at 6:15. “Have fun! How’s it going?” with a little smiley face. They read it at 6:22.

No reply.

You’ve checked your phone twenty times. You’ve typed “no worries if you’re busy!!” and deleted it. Twice. And somewhere in the middle of the spiral, you remember the attachment quiz you took at two in the morning last spring. Your result? Anxious. Of course. That’s what this is. You’re too much. You’re needy.

Then Saturday morning comes. Your partner wants to cuddle and cook breakfast and make plans. And all you want is to be alone in the bath with a playlist that matches your mood. So you’re a little short with them, and they say, “You’re so hot and cold with me.”

And now you’re thinking, wait. Am I avoidant too?

You’re not too needy. And you’re not cold. What you’ve been calling your attachment style might actually be your wiring: a brain that sounds the alarm really fast, and a battery that runs out a lot sooner than other people’s.

[Read more…] about Am I Anxiously Attached, or Is It My ADHD? What Attachment Styles Miss About Neurodivergent Brains

“If They Loved Me, They’d Just Know”: How to Get Your Needs Met Without Doing All the Work

Episode 25: ”If They Loved Me, They'd Just Know”: How to Get Your Needs Met Without Doing All the Work

Listen on: Apple Podcasts · Spotify · YouTube · or wherever you get your podcasts

It’s Thursday night and you’re running on fumes.

You did the meetings. You did the pickup. You booked the dentist, figured out dinner, and smiled through a phone call that took everything you had left.

And now you’re standing at the kitchen counter, and your partner is on the couch, scrolling.

You sigh. You wait. For them to look up. To notice your shoulders are up around your ears. To come over and just… do the thing. Whatever the thing is.

They don’t look up.

And you’ve tried asking. You have. But the asking felt like so much work that you kind of stopped. So you turn around and start doing the dishes, a little louder than they need to be done. And when they finally say “Hey, are you okay?” you say “I’m fine!” and keep scrubbing.

Underneath it all is the thought you’d never say out loud: If they really loved me, they’d just know.

Wanting your partner to just know isn’t needy. And it isn’t impossible. It just doesn’t show up out of nowhere like it does in the movies. It gets built, together, and you don’t have to be the one carrying all of it.

[Read more…] about “If They Loved Me, They’d Just Know”: How to Get Your Needs Met Without Doing All the Work