How much of your day is spent trying to blend in, be the good boy/girl/person, and adhere to social norms?
Do you ever find yourself sitting in work meetings, nodding and smiling, while internally you feel like your brain is about to explode from the incessant buzzing of the fluorescent lights overhead?
How about being at a busy restaurant for a friend’s birthday that you promised you’d be at weeks ago but you desperately want to retreat to your favourite chair in your house with a good book?
Or what about those times your partner is craving connection and intimacy when the thought of being touched right now makes your skin crawl, but you grin and bear it because you don’t want them to feel rejected?
If you’re neurodivergent, chances are you know this feeling all too well. What you’re experiencing is called masking, and you probably do it more than you realize.
In a world where you’re expected to be a certain way in all situations at all times, the tendency to mask can become this consuming blanket of exhaustion.
But there’s hope. Let’s dive into what exactly masking is, the toll it’s likely taking on you, and how you can start taking small steps to explore unmasking.
What Exactly Is Masking?
Masking is when you camouflage or suppress your natural neurodivergent traits to appear more “neurotypical” or act in a more socially acceptable way. Think of it like putting on a performance to fit in, often without even realizing you’re doing it. It’s like wearing an invisible costume that helps you navigate a world that wasn’t quite built for brains like yours.
While masking can feel protective – helping you avoid judgment or rejection – it comes at a significant cost to your mental health and sense of self.
What Masking Looks Like in Real Life
Masking shows up differently for everyone, but here are some common examples:
Social Masking:
- Forcing eye contact even when it feels uncomfortable or overwhelming
- Laughing at jokes you don’t find funny or don’t understand
- Pretending to follow conversations when you’ve actually zoned out
- Mimicking others’ body language and social cues
- Staying quiet about your special interests because they’re “too niche” or intense
Sensory Masking:
- Enduring scratchy clothing tags or uncomfortable textures without complaint
- Staying in noisy, overwhelming environments without asking for accommodations
- Suppressing stimming behaviors like fidgeting, rocking, or hand-flapping
- Pretending fluorescent lights don’t give you a headache
Emotional Masking:
- Suppressing meltdowns or shutdowns in public
- Pretending you’re not overwhelmed when you desperately need downtime
- Agreeing to plans when you’re already overstimulated
- Smiling through situations that genuinely distress you
Workplace Masking:
- Working through overwhelm without asking for breaks
- Pretending to understand instructions when you need them repeated or clarified
- Forcing yourself to participate in small talk when it feels draining
- Hiding your organizational systems or productivity strategies because they’re “odd”
Relationship Masking:
- Pretending to enjoy activities that drain or overwhelm you to make your partner happy
- Hiding your need for alone time or downtime because you worry it means you don’t love them enough
- Suppressing your authentic communication style (like being direct) because it might seem “rude”
- Going along with social plans or couple activities when you’re already overstimulated
- Masking your sensory needs during intimacy (like needing certain textures, lighting, or sounds)
- Pretending to understand neurotypical relationship “rules” that don’t make sense to you
- Hiding your special interests or passions because your partner finds them “too much”
- Forcing yourself to express emotions in ways that feel unnatural but seem more “normal”
The Hidden Cost of Constantly Hiding In Plain Sight
Here’s the thing about masking: it’s absolutely exhausting.
Having to consciously think about every social interaction, every facial expression, every response…. It’s like being an actor who never gets to leave the stage.
This constant performance can lead to burnout, anxiety, depression, and a deep sense of disconnection from your authentic self. Many of my clients describe feeling like they don’t know who they really are underneath all the masking.
Getting Comfortable with Unmasking: Small Steps Toward Authenticity
The idea of dropping your mask can feel terrifying. What if people don’t like the real you? What if you’re rejected or judged? These fears are completely valid; they’re also exactly why we need to start small so this process doesn’t feel overwhelming to the point that it paralyzes you or throws you deeper into masking.
Start Small – Right People, Right Moment
Pick Your People: Begin unmasking around one or two trusted friends, family members, or partners who’ve shown they accept you as you are. Let them know you’re working on being more authentic and ask for their support.
Choose Your Moments: You don’t have to unmask everywhere all at once. In fact, I suggest you don’t just go for it and unmask entirely in every situation with every person. That could feel overwhelming in and of itself. Instead, maybe you start by stimming at home, speaking up about sensory needs with close friends, or sharing one of your special interests with someone who cares about you.
Practice Self-Compassion
Notice Without Judgment: Start paying attention to when you’re masking without immediately trying to change it. Simply notice and say, “Oh, I’m masking again. That makes sense – this situation feels overwhelming.”
Honour Your Needs: If you need to step outside for fresh air, ask for instructions to be repeated, or take a break from socializing, try to honour those needs when possible. Your needs are valid, even if they’re different from others. Try your best to not compare yourself to that extroverted neurotypical friend who could spend all day every day hanging out with friends. You aren’t her. And that’s okay.
Name It to Tame It: Consider sharing with certain, trusted people that you’re neurodivergent and what that means for you. You might say something like, “I have ADHD, which means I might need you to repeat things sometimes” or “I have autism, so I might need to step away if things get too loud.”
Express Your Needs
Set Boundaries: Practice saying things like “I need a quieter space to focus” or “I’m feeling overwhelmed and need to take a break.” Boundaries aren’t mean – they’re a kindness to the people around you when you use them in a way that allows you to show up as the most genuine, regulated version of yourself.
Create Flexible Routines: If you know what will help you stay regulated or self-soothe in certain environments, lean into that. Bring the fidget toys. Only set meetings at work for specific times. Have your favourite snacks on hand. Your needs matter and it’s okay if they’re different from the norm.
Celebrate Small Wins
Acknowledge Your Courage: Every time you choose authenticity over masking, you’re being incredibly brave. Celebrate those moments, even if they feel small.
Notice What Feels Good: Pay attention to how it feels when you’re able to be yourself. That sense of relief and authenticity? That’s what you’re working toward.
Remember: You Belong, Too
The world needs your neurodivergent perspective, your unique insights, and yes, even your special interests and different ways of being. Masking might have protected you in the past, but it doesn’t have to define your future.
Just remember: unmasking is a process, not a destination.
Some days you’ll feel brave enough to stim in public or share your passionate thoughts about your latest hyper-focus. Other days, you might need the safety of your mask – and that’s okay, too. Both ways of being can co-exist.
At the end of the day, you deserve relationships and spaces where you can be authentically yourself. You deserve to exist without constantly performing. And you deserve the relief that comes with finally letting your guard down – even in small doses.
Your authentic self isn’t something to hide – it’s something to celebrate.
Who knows? You may be surprised by how many people welcome the you you are.
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