If you read my last post on couples therapy strategies that need rethinking for neurodivergent brains, you might have found yourself nodding along thinking, “Oh. So that’s why that didn’t work so well for us.”

Good news: there’s nothing wrong with you. There’s nothing wrong with those tools. They were just built for a different brain than yours.

So here’s part two. Seven more widely used couples therapy tools – the ones that show up in bestselling books, therapy offices, and Instagram infographics everywhere – and why they need to be reconfigured when neurodivergent brains are in the picture.

These are wonderful, often well-researched tools that can work like magic – especially for neurotypical couples. They just need to be tweaked to work for your unique brain. The goal of each tool is usually still valid. It’s simply the delivery that needs to be shifted.

If you’ve ever left a couples therapy session thinking, “Hmmmm I’m not sure this will actually work for me…. ”, you’re probably onto something important.

Most couples therapy strategies were developed with neurotypical brains in mind. That doesn’t make them bad strategies. But when one or both partners are neurodivergent – ADHD, autistic, or both – these well-meaning techniques can fall flat, backfire, or leave you feeling even more broken than before.

Your brain isn’t broken. You just need tools that were actually designed for how your brain works.

Let’s look at seven of the most common couples therapy strategies and how they need to shift when neurodivergent brains are in the room.

You’ve been reading about neurodiversity for months. Maybe longer. Every article, every TikTok, every late-night Reddit thread hits you somewhere deep and you think, “This is me. This is literally describing my entire life.”

But then the next thought lands: “But I haven’t been officially diagnosed. So maybe I’m just making it up. Maybe I’m not actually neurodivergent. Maybe I shouldn’t describe myself that way.”

I want to tell you something clearly: you do not need a formal diagnosis to start understanding how your brain works, to use strategies that help neurodivergent people thrive, or to build a relationship that actually fits your wiring. A diagnosis can be a powerful tool. But it is not the only door into self-understanding – and for a lot of people, it’s a door that’s locked, expensive, or hidden behind a two-year waitlist.

You don’t need a piece of paper to prove what you instinctively know to be true.

If you’re neurodivergent, you’ve probably had the experience of reading relationship advice that felt almost right – but not quite. Like the shape was familiar, but the edges didn’t totally match your experience.

Part of the reason is that “neurodivergent” is a broad umbrella. And within that umbrella, ADHD and autism can show up in romantic relationships in very different ways – sometimes even in opposite ways. If you’re in a relationship where one partner has ADHD and the other is autistic (which is actually pretty darn common), or there are mixed neurotypes (one person is neurodivergent while the other is neurotypical), understanding these differences isn’t just helpful. It’s essential.

And if you’re someone who has both – AuDHD – buckle up, because your internal experience might feel like a tug-of-war between competing needs. Let’s break it down.